hey

updating. (edited)

2008-06-02T22:56:00.012+08:00

me?

this picture's uploaded for small boy.
he says my fringe made me look emo.

work

sg flyer

gf

random

okay. i came back finally and for the fact that many people did ask me to update too.

now i am still school-less, job-less but i party a lot! hahs. a lot of nagging going on at home, a lot of fun going on out of home of course! well, getting tipsy is the best part of drinking but getting wasted is definitely the worse of the worse. plus bruises here and there.

& as some of you may know, im troubled by love again. or like he said, we were never in love. well... maybe i just needed love, not a man. or perhaps i just feel pathetically lonely and empty inside me. i am so afraid to love, afraid to commit, afraid to fall too deeply. yes, the past was past. he was right. till now, i still think love is pretty much of a big frightening word that i dare not not anyhow use during serious moments. so i wont say that i love him. i do like & feel for him after all. i will move on baby. (: & while typing this entry, i recalled my gf telling me one of the guys from my former school thinks that my blog is always writing about different guys. sounds true uh? hahs.. cause i only update when i am displease. yes, im really not satisfied with the result of everything!

okay.. happy stuff all right. yiling and friends going party this week along with me of course! small boy is having his holidays soon. rachael actually calls me a "siao charbo" when i ask her to ignore a guy whom she wants me to call whom we dont even know who the hell he is. ken got me a part-time at PC show. irene's CT will be over soon. ian's surgery is tomorrow? i dont know what's there to be happy about, but just happy! hahs.. (: but there's something heartbreaking! linus had a swollen face due to car accident. poor boy. hope a week's MC will cheer him up a bit. as for mel, it's hard & prolly a close chapter. whether we would ever get back or never & whatever that may happen, friends we shall be yea? loves baby. && zee's gonna bring me for a cable car ride too! cant wait..... (:

will this update do? & shane! he actually stole my charger & refused to return while he replied
"Shane. Even losers get lucky sometime. says: no
Shane. Even losers get lucky sometime. says: i picked up a free charger on the roof
Shane. Even losers get lucky sometime. says: LOL!"
what an arse~ okay i have to add on because he's not please with what i wrote. well, i was the one who threw the charger out my window & it landed on the roof of some shelter. so immediately he climbed up to get it. dont ask me how, i wish i saw how he did it too. impressive right? but still! he refused to return it! lols.

&& this is very random. i have a big face. fat cheeks. fat body. up to you to accept me for who i am. yes.. you can always leave (: ★

long night, short post.

2008-04-13T20:48:00.007+08:00

had a couple of drinks and was really tipsy by 1. i knew what i was doing & many caring friends called to show their concern. i m glad to have you people! (:

the entire night i was told how much he like me & wanna be with me. 5 came.. "it doesnt matter", "im not gonna contact her again", "i dont care anymore you know", he said. my heart aches. i forced myself to vomit for the last time. & this time round, surprisingly i could count the number of tears rolling down my cheek. pathetic i was sitting there, trying hard to comprehend his thoughts & feelings. then heart-brokenly, i was tottering towards the drive way to get a cab. he offers to send me back.

by 52oam we were sitting on the dirty ground near the car park. he pours his heart out & by 6, he walks me to my block. by 9, he's home safe & sound.

i have said what i should say. if it was years ago, i would have been overwhelmed. i m as tired as you are, babe.

2008-03-25T16:39:00.002+08:00

2 days ago, yiling appeared in my dream. it's kind of strange. she was bullying me & at a point of time she even tried drowning me in a pool of water. omg. freaking scary la! hahs.. she's nice girl after all, i dont think she'll want to murder me any way. right yiling? hahs!

pictures pictures!

2008-03-13T18:51:00.005+08:00

since....

2008-03-13T13:57:00.021+08:00

busy February and now, it's over! feel like i can finally breathe freely. at the beginning, school was a playground for me. who would have expected it to be so much of stress at the end of it. fortunately, i managed to complete the last of my task for martin & my course! i guess he wasnt that bad after all. he pulled me through a hard time of creating an alien with biped. great! m proud of myself, efforts are not wasted to see my alien walks!

school's out, im now shower with.. not love, but problems.

&&
meeting so many new peeps in a few days. people do come and go(in a matter of time). it's like separating the heart into bits & pieces distributing it to anyone & everyone. once one left with a scar, it will then be passed on to the next & so on. many times doing too much only results in disadvantage. wonder how long more i can hold on to what im experiencing the whole time. im stabbed in the heart, deeply.. forcing myself to move on.

anyway, m having holiday mood every day now! (: meet up soon, my dear friends. ★

no title

2008-02-17T16:35:00.005+08:00

Thai Restaurant

Chinese New Year Dayo2

(elder bro not home =/)

Beach Culture

im devastated.
i have so much to say. but im still not feeling well. i will update soon.

pictures are up!

2008-01-25T20:13:00.001+08:00

chalet

(blur.. took the two picts below when i was tipsy)

seoul garden

random

(99 roses)

(damn mini cake)

city space

(a picture at the 70 storey high hotel.
i can see clarke quay from where i sat.
it's amazing!!)

(i can also see the cathay)

school
omg, school's so boring can. projs & nagging. if only im in mr chu's form class now...... i miss him man. unlike someone else~ im sure he'll be happy if i failed my modules. i hate to see his * face every single day. argh!! whatever.. i had a great birthday this year! new stuff and tiny cake. hahs.. thank you people for your wishes. i may look as if i dislike it, but i do love the activities planned. thank you. so many thank you i wanna say, but too bad, you cant hear it!! hahs..

if only... the past were never be remembered and memories were erased. if only... we can keep updating ourselves with nice people. then i might have found someone by now.

i had been thinking way too much recently. whenever i've got nothing better to do while lying on bed, all the past memories would flash back in the back of my mind one after another that never stop my tears flowing. hahs.. crying over the past i did not treasure, crying over the hopeless present. people may think that i have many friends or suitors and all but in fact i feel lonely many times. i believe i cried more than i laughed. life's hard. really tough. when you have no confidence at all, nothing goes smoothly. -shrugs- same goes to me seeing other girls leading a "good" life. these girls too have many friends, suitors or even boyfriends... & appear to be cheerful, happy-go-lucky & all. i envy them, envy their appearance. while other people might envy them their personalities, attitude or anything at all. people always want themselves to be like others, people imitating people. still at the end of the day, i may never know what emotions these people have or what they are like when they're alone, i will never go through what they'd been through in life at all.

i guess i will never understand. ★

random photos!

2008-01-09T22:06:00.002+08:00

work

bowling

downtown east

sentosa

barbecue

steamboat

chalet(there are more...)

damn random

there are more pictures to come but im a lil lazy to do the loading. tomorrow or some other days okay?
school's been okay. projs coming up really soon ):
&& i needa get some beauty sleep now. so that's all for now.. good night people!
& yesterday was terence's birthday!
HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY TERENCE! ★

a new beginning!

2008-01-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

yea, it's a brand new year. & yea, i finally back to blog. hahs.

i did spend this holiday happily with my friends. the month of december i will never forget the day zee and i watched the song of the sea, it's amazing, but more for kids actually & the sky rides! i also spent time with many of my friends that i have & haven met for months or even years. i really love gathering with them although sometimes im a bit lost to what and who they are referring to or discussing about!

it's really interesting to see how your friends had changed during the different stages of life. 2oo7 had not been a very wonderful year, but i do like to thank my parents for their concern and care & every night receiving their phone calls. hahs and all my friends for being there, for encouraging me & helping me in many ways. and my ex for teaching me so much. and anyone who i didnt mention. thank you. (:

will post up many pictures soon! till then, stay happy and healthy ok people? muacks! ★

movies & more coming!

2007-12-17T14:21:00.001+08:00

friday was alvin and the chipmunks, saturday was the golden compass and sunday was enchanted. hahs it was a great weekend. so long since i last stepped into a cinema. realized the shows i had watched are mostly for kids.
the chipmunks' movie was hilarious and unlike the real-life chipmunks which look kinda ... dumb? anyway they look DAMN cute in the movie. hahs. catch it sooon.
& the golden compass... im speechless. i dont know what's with the dust just yet. & i suppose it should have an ending to it? clement thinks there isnt too. i dont know. but i do know the polar bear's kind on the inside & very protective although he speaks fiercely!
zee didnt like enchanted as much as i did! ya ya, you'll say im like a child. maybe i really am, inside me. hahs.. thanks ar.

this week gonna be fun! sentosa... movie marathon... shopping! && marc will be back tomorrow yah? or next tuesday? i've no idea! oh my, didnt receive any of his text messages is really unusual, i think i am too used to it.

today'll be staying home most probably. irene & vivien meeting their boyfriends. ): it's raining anyway. hahs good day to all. ★

(:

2007-12-14T18:08:00.000+08:00

it's holiday time! i will make full use of it this time round. hahs it'd been a really stressed and dreadful three months for me. finally, everything is over. wow, this just make me wanna cry. those assignments, projects, my love-life and so much more, all over!!

& i guess i have gotta learn how to walk all over again. i've to force myself to stand up each time i fall. i must do it man. if not i will be a total loser to many people out there with the "oh-she's-one-bitch-that-breaks-people's-heart", "she-cant-do-it" look. i dont know. but i know people do despair me. maybe i am really hopeless. i will try and try. i must push myself harder. (:

but somewhat i am still unhappy with the empty promises he made. he can complain if i broke a promise yet i have to let it go. so unfair! but no regrets lah. first time experiencing such a cool relationship. it'd showed me how foolish i was to not cherish anything or anyone in my life before. & freaking first time i bought a guy so many things. i used to think that it's a waste of money, but not anymore. if only he will be nice enough to wrap a packet of sweets and give it to me on my birthday. i do think it's more than enough to receive a wrapped present for a birthday. yea.. christmas? i dont know. he will probably cast me at some little corner of his heart, perhaps the useless area. we were suppose to spend christmas together. wooo.. yea, i know it's over. i will need to swallow my pride, hold my tears back and move on... ★

assumption arse.

2007-12-10T21:29:00.000+08:00

for people who browsed through my posts and misunderstood me: if you aint sure who i was referring to, then please shut the hell up.

i know HQ had finally given up on me. oh by the way, who's talking about him uh? my previous entry had NOTHING to do with HQ! did i even mention about him at all? mind you. & what? you really think you know what's going on? quit pretending. if you do, HQ wouldn't feel so upset with your comments when he's down! from the beginning, you people already make us feel not confident. & it's true i didnt give him as much as he did for me, but i've tried. no one will ever believe that i'd tried, because my improvement was little, but doesnt mean what ever you saw allow you to make ludicrous conclusion. if by blaming me makes you feel so good, by all means go ahead. it had nothing to do with you in the first place yah? shouldnt you be caring for him now instead? or are you gonna make some unpleasant comments again? are your r/s any better? just questions.★

the fallacy that we'll be together
you're gone for good. (: i will not let people look down on me any longer.

people come and go

2007-12-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

i have been watching the video over and over again every night. i need you to talk to me.

nowadays having projects and many many assignments. i dont know if i could complete it on time. my days passing by so fast. too fast somehow... i neglected my friends and i missed them so much. but sometimes it's hard to keep/company them when i dont even have time for myself.

marc had been nice to me all this while. i cant thank you enough. your encouragement pushed me so far. & you know what, i will be happy if you are. i just hope to take away your stress and headaches. i will try not to bully you yea. when i feel like no one else was there for me, you actually took great care of me. i also know you wont stay too long in my life. as for now, i will treasure you as much as you are concern about me.

& to you. i know you are serious about leaving this time. although you didnt keep your words to stay by my side, to take my pain away, & you will say it's part of life. i know you tried, you said you didnt bear to at first, but you did at the end of the day. & i am hurt somehow. i guess i will never get a chance to speak & cry my heart out to someone like you any more. you know how terrible i would feel if you too dump me aside. you know i would keep more things to myself also. but it's okay, i understand. you are free. & in a blink of an eye, i realized my heart's dead. i know i am nothing after all... ★

depressed

2007-12-03T20:58:00.000+08:00

if i knew all these were going to happen, i wouldn't have turn up that day. what wrong have i done to deserve this shit. i thought i was happy. i was so wrong. you pulled me down the next minute. i dont know what else i can do. ★

):

2007-12-02T19:48:00.000+08:00

last night's barbecue was not so bad. stayed overnight and so fast time actually flies! later, with marcus & adam, we went Macdonald's to have breakfast @ whitesands. everything happened so fast that entire morning man, i got so emotional but was much better later. it was fun though, crap a lot with em. reached home at about 11am, washed up & watch some television. didnt get any sleep till now... & tomorrow there's school. martin will be around. it sucks! ):

sometimes i wonder, is sending a text message to someone so difficult? "i am lazy," he said. you'll feel so terrible you dont even know what/how to react. my heart sank. & on the other hand, i actually understand how some of my friends felt while waiting for my very slow reply. it's damn awful lah! ):

tomorrow will be a better day i hope. really hard to get him to reply as often as he did man. this is really really BAD! ): ): ): ★

holiday mood

2007-09-21T18:41:00.000+08:00

hey im back! =D how're you people?
btw people, thanks for reading. i appreciate it a lot. cheers (:

replies for the tag board!
nana: yah lo.. hahs my memory poor, this blog helps me remember things i do. cannot huh!! lala's blog smelly already.. you don go see ok! yea i miss you too! arrange when to go eat ok?

zee: thanks. hahs you don lie to me hor. if not... i'll touch your grandpapa's kuku.

karma: hahs. that's your belief, not mine.

guest: anyway, he's seeing someone else already. good luck to him. and who are you to comment. you know nothing, guest!

hello: (: who are you?

lala: yah you arrange with nana lah. cause i also dont know when both of you free! i also dont lyk u and ur boy boy kiss kiss okay.
--------------------------------------
Tuesday, 18 September
today was out with hq. he went for his dental and after his dental i went over to block 5 of SGH to visit his grandpa who's really ill. hope he recover soon. he said he wont. but still i hope his grandpa feel better somehow. when my grandpa passed away, my chinese teacher reminded me the pain my grandpa would go through if he was still alive. cos my grandpa suffered from cancer and was in a critical condition then. so yah..

#hq, no matter what happen to him, you gotta stay strong and be optimistic.#

and after that, we took a cab to town. we had mos burger @ plaza sing. after dinner shopped a bit and we walked to cineleisure. bought movie tickets for the invasion. it's all right lahs. hahs hmmm before movie we shopped around orchard. saw bebe stuff. very exp seh. i didnt enjoy myself that much today. but it's over. (:

Wednesday, 19 September
today watched rogue assassin with marcus at cineleisure. yep.. before that we had popcorn chicken and his cheeseburger for dinner. walk a bit and talk a lot. and after movie we had supper, somewhere. yea. didnt have much appetite. marcus thought i was affected by him. but i dont think so. cry over it all already so what's there for me hold on to. yea.. move on kristy.
after supper walked to plaza sing and sat down to chat about marcus's hospitalize incidents. hahs it's kinda cool. he's really dumb when he was small. silly arse. and dont forget your umbrella business. i had it all planned nicely and im sure you gonna earn a fortune! *shrugs*

Thursday, 20 September
today went to give warranty card to my boss. and watched noroi: the curse. fucking nice show. you people should go check it out man. yea and was with zee the entire day. we went for supper at chong pang nasi lemak. so long no eat there le. hahs yep and that's about it.

Friday, 21 September
i thought i was a princess. i thought i was the happiest girl in my family. but no more. he knows how to treat me the way he like already, also find so much things to argue back with me. i feel like dust now. one happy dirt.

he had decided to be who he wanna be. hahs. i dono to cry or laugh. but it will be over soon. yea, i believe it will. afterall he pleased me all the while. now he needs freedom, he wants to fly.. woooooo... dont fly too high man~ maybe someone can make him so much happier. he's confused himself. i feel it. anyway, good night people.

last week's pictures!

❤ on the way to esplanade to study

❤ this is the jelly bean zee bought. hahs.

❤papayaQueen

2007-09-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

Monday, 17 September
today woke up at 5.30pm. saw marcus, hq, zee & blar blar blar messages. so i called marcus. he dont sound happy, i can feel it somehow! & when i rang him after my meal again, this time, i didnt sound good. hahs im sorry marcus. sometimes i sleep too much, i just feel annoyed. dont ask me why, i dont know either. (:
then the next half evening, am glued to the television programmes. that's about it.

why do human beings have feelings? it's amazing how humans react to something someone said that will actually affect you the whole entire day.
you always asked: "where are you?", "who are you with?", "what are you doing there?", "what time you going home?" or "who i talking to?", "why you prefer to talk to him than me?", "why cant you spend some time with me?", "why.." ... why why why.

you always looking out for me. & i thought you would do exactly the same without me having to ask! & yes, you disappoint me. when it's my turn to ask you similar questions, you too answered, "my friend." then i had difficulties trying to figure out what to reply or react. i was affected. i thought you wouldnt upset me with those things i did to you. & from there, i knew you were in my shoes. im just experiencing the pain you felt when i was out with other friends. if you cant handle that date with her, do not expect me to know how.

when you were over my place,

and your guy friend/s called,
guyfriend: "where you?"
you: "pasir ris."
guyfriend: "who you with? what for?"
you: "with kristy/her, at her place."
...

when your girl friend/s called
girlfriend: "where you?"
you: "at pasir ris."
girlfriend: "what for?"
you: "eating."
....

you didnt know i would take this to heart, did you? yes, i did. somehow my heart feels sour and i just had to pretend that you just merely told her that cause before she rang you i were having my lunch.

you were out with her and i only got to know about it when both of you were bout to go home. so why do you still wanna expect so much from me then? i didnt want you to have to purposely message me in the night to let me know you are awake & actually messaging her. i didnt need you to remind me how much you care for me by purposely always sending the wrong text to me which is by right for your friends. i knew all the while you care. i feel it ok. im no fool to actually think you dont bother me.

you did so much yet you destroyed it all. you convinced me that you will not do the exact thing i did to you. you told me you care about me, my feelings. & you do silly things to make me wanna question you, make me upset, make me jealous, trying so hard to get my attention. you win. you got my attention & not only that, im pissed.

when i questioned you over your date, you would go like, "im just going out with my colleague...i didnt cheat on you whatsoever...never lie to you...what about you going out with...you also never think of how i feel...for so long i first time go out with my colleague you say you...you're contradicting yourself...you say i dont believe you but when i say she's just my friend you also like that...i dont go out with them and wait for you to ask me out...you also go find your friends what...it's really up to you."

yea i did explain things to you the way you are doing to me now. i know i have no right to say good things about myself now. you did do comparison too. is it so hard for you to understand?
[i feel terrible full stop] - that's all i mean, nothing more nothing less. it's just my feelings that affected me, not you. you need not make it sound so serious at all.

and only now that i know he was out with her yesterday at east coast! wtf.

--------------------------------------
*previous post*

Saturday, 8 September
was out with hq, watched Naraka 19 @ marina sq. it's a four stars rated film. and guess what? it's a waste of money to catch that show. shopped a bit and realize there's nothing for me to buy. wth..

Sunday, 9 September
a day out to town. shopped around and finally found things to buy. very broke. all thanks to my
boss, and i purchased some clothes online. hais. if you wish to donate some money, do let me know ok. hahs.

*previous post*
--------------------------------------

more posts.

Thursday, 13 September
after exams already! rest the whole day i think. i forgot what did i do that day. hahs =D

Friday, 14 September
i went out for dinner with marcus at bedok 85. 3 dishes. full enough to make us complain. then went to the park nearby my place to do some catching up. hahs and on our way to my block, we saw a snail. i asked if it was alive, he replied yes. and we crouched down to take a better view of it. then we discussed about it's eyes which eyeballs can actually turn 360 degree. marcus dont believe me so we took a closer look.

then something brushed my left arm so i turned, and screamed. because we squatted there for sometime already, so the fascinated cat came over to take a look as well. my scream startled marcus and the cat. hahs he was like " WHAT THE ... "

the cat: "what's so interesting about the stupid snail?"

and after that the cat can still sit around licking its' paw.
eewwww! i hate cats to come near me! the incident still tickles me.

Saturday, 15 September
work from 5 to 9pm. and went home after that. hahs boring day.

Sunday, 16 September
station, a few decide where to go and not much shows to catch, so we took a train towards the East. we alighted at working too. from 12 to 9pm. sold 6 mp3s!! close to $900 sales. first time so happy with my performance. hahs at about 8pm, jack asked me to company him smoke. zee and her friend tagged along. then he kept pushing me to her. hahs wth.. but still not bad lahs. can relax a bit there. the weather was good, raining. first time sat outside with them and chat. fun though.

then after work zee, ken and i have dinner 2gether at sakae sushi. ken's treat! after that we coulnt think of a place to go.. not much shows either so we took a train towards East. at bugis station, some indians board the train. zee dont like their odor so we alighted at aljunied. and so we boarded the next train, guess what! another group of ah neh.. then we alighted and walked to the front and board the next. hahs

later we had starbucks coffee @ simei. and they're doing closing already. we walked towards the bus 12 bus stop which was a distance away, took 12 and alighted @ loyang. and took a cab to airport! hahs.. was nice sitting around there, cos the place's quiet and we browsed through singapore brochure. after which zee took a puff and we sat around the entrance playing with those "cookies". hahs lame.. we took a cab back after a drink. was about 4.30am by then. chatted a bit over the phone and zzz.

❤papayaQueen

many many pictures coming up (:

2007-09-12T16:12:00.001+08:00

replies for the tag board!
♀
i-rene: hey girl! thanks for dropping by. im okay. don worry. (: thanks for your concern man. loves

WaN: yep. i have linked you! happy ma? LOL (: how's your maths test?

nana: hey darling! im always here man. just that seldom online nowadays. hahs can always text me ok! of course i miss you girls lahs! a lot.. you studied with lala also yah? never ask me also! fair and sq! (:

lala: rotten meh?! u smell or see any black black thingy? NO RIGHT? humph don laugh laugh hor. stupid mt. how's your hometown doing? hahs! =D misses

--------------------------------------
oops. sorry i forgot to wish you lala! give you a big head line ok? 19 yah? hahs! give you birthday kiss kaes. hahs *MUACKS!

Happy Birthday LALA!

may whatever you wish for come true man!
happy bday to you
happy bday to you
happy bday to MT.................
happy bday to you!

you are the only one who gets to hear me sing you bday song ok!! .. cant hear anything uh? cos it sang from deep inside my heart. must dig ear then can hear. hahs.. *hugs*
--------------------------------------

hey people. im back. hahs. lala! this site's not rotten ok! still smell nice and looks pretty. hahs. whatever. hmmm today have maths exam. it looks easy but i dont know if i can pass or not! wish me luck! (:

monday and tuesday was studying at harbour front starbucks with adam, bob and marcus.

monday
i met zee on monday. she wanted collect phone but not ready. so suay. anyway we took a cab down to chinatown to look for the anna sui pouch. i was told to go back next week or something ): sad lahs.

then i asked her to company me, find the pouch. we shopped ard chinatown in vain. then we headed down to vivocity lo. then saw candy empire! she bought me kit kat which cost like $3 lahs! & her jelly beans. then had dinner @ the asian something? i forgot. oops and i also forgot what's xiao long pao. i thought it was some kinda pao. hahs.

after dinner, toilet time! when i came out she was holding those bunch of candies in the plastic bags. i thought she buying for who sial! so actually it's for me. hahs. so sweet of her lahs. thanks zee! love you man! (:

so went on studying with those guys and that's abt it! oh yah, there are many mices everywhere those BUSHy plants outside the harbour front entrance lahs. wth! yucks.

tuesday
did some revision with zal too and that's abt it! and yah! only until today then i gotta know that century eggs are preserved with horses' pee!~ *vomits* so gross. those guys really pissed me off because i haven even touched my food! but im okay already lahs. hahs. sorry yah.

these few nights had heavy dinners because i didnt have proper meals so yah. im so like gonna grow bigger and BIGGER! i feel so FAT now! WTH.

saturday and sunday was out with hq. had fun and laughter. many stupid things we did and spent a lot of money too! yea. so long no shop le. thanks hq, for shopping with me. wahaha. =D

random photos

❤ the kitkat that cost 3 bucks!

❤ look like bouquet of flowers.

❤ when we opened up, there was only bones.

❤ im shorter than adam!!

❤ he's analyzing blue-blacks on my hand. hahs

❤ starbucks @ harbour front.
adam's overwhelmed by those jelly beans zee bought!

❤papayaQueen

exams are coming....

2007-09-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

friday 31st Aug
i woke up at 7.30am and prepared for school. reached school at abt 9.50 and nelson told me teacher gonna chase us off at 10am sharp. wtf. waste my time only!!!! wth. was really angry. but after hitting marcus, okay already. really moody lahs. hahs then i saw mark! just for awhile! and i got angry with marcus lahs!!! so dumb dumb. never keep his words. we wanted to catch a show. 14o8.. but at 4pm. at that time was only lyk 11am! so we went mum mum and after that go starbucks. disturb zal. he's really funny. woooo.. got more tricks must ask him try le. hahs. at night actually meeting zee. but i went home took a nap and woke up late. then she decided to meet her friends instead so yah! that's abt it.

saturday 1st Sept
today i was woken up by a postman at 11am. didnt bother to get up. then saw nelson's message. chat a bit & went back to sleep. he wake up so early just to watch kids central! wth. next thing i know was already 4pm! what a day. prepared and met marcus at 8pm. went downtown to study and went off ard 10.30pm. on the way to meet zee, i saw mark again!! wth. he was really good looking lahs. hais. im crazy. i like his eyes a lot, that's why. hahs. and we chatted a bit at the pavement walkway near whitesands. at the same time we saw the mooon so helly big. wth. first time seeing a big moon. hahs. he said some thing really sweet lahs. & zee called and i had to leave. tooo bad. so me and zee went to tampines century sq. we watched evan almighty. then took a cab back! yea..

sunday 2nd Sept
boring sunday! nth much. good night everyone.

❤papayaQueen

2nd sept 2:58am

2007-09-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

i feel so lost again!! so ... depressed. i don seems to know how to handle relationships any longer. i made problems worse. made ppl change impression of me. made myself feel so ... -indescribable- ! many times i tried so hard to control my temper and all. but i just cant when i hear ppl telling me how bad i treat em, how upsetting they are that i have done this and that. all i do is pushed blames to em; to him, her, anyone, everyone!

how much i wish i didnt have to go through so many relationships last time. how much i hate myself for being so insensitive, so not understanding, so selfish. many times i had to think abt what i did in the past, what guys did to me in the past, what i do and not deserve in the past... what i didnt have to go through in the past, what i shouldnt even do in the past. it's all over. i made things bad, worse and even worsen em sometimes and made myself a fool to outsiders. i hate myself. hate myself for being nice to them. hate myself for doing so much in the past. the then me, not doing much. just hate myself for being me NOW!

i knew all along i will disappoint him. i have a choice & i choose to make him stay. im really selfish but what to do. i cant make myself imagine him with other girls. to see him dating other girls kills me. you are so right to say i m selfish. i dont know what am i doing either. why did i ignore him? becos he's irritating? becos im bored of him? becos i dont want him to find other better girls? becos i cant live without him? becos i just wanna use him? becos he understands and knows me too well? becos he's so nice to me? becos i dont know how to show care&concern and shower him with love? or is it becos im just PLAIN selfish?! I DONT KNOW. i wanna die. i wanna cry so badly. i wanna be who i used to be. i cant find myself. am i really that pathetic? im really nt a girlfriend material. i should have just remain single or be a lesbian instead. what should i do?

whenever i recalled what he did for me and all. my heart aches. i wanna give him a hug so much to want him to know how much i appreciated him. he really did soo much that i took advantage of him. i guess. & his friend said he's lyk a maid, just becos she saw him helping me clean my hands. why didnt his friend praise me for washing him up after he fell instead? not that i wanna be praised or cleaned him up to get praised. i just wanna show i do care for him. small little comment from HER hurts me. A LOT. why? i dont know either. it just hurt! but she didnt care abt how others feel each time she commented effortlessly when he did nice things for me.

daniel said he will make me strong? and.. did he? no. never. he just left me. maybe i was childish. maybe i didnt understannd him. maybe i was immature. he said he wants to concentrate on his work and studies. ok, i've to accept it. & jus a few months later. there he's! with his new girlfriend. there goes my heart aching again. no one seems to keep their words. i dont keep my words sometimes too. and so i tried not to give empty promises already. what about you guys? dont know.

desmond seems unfriendly, to ONLY ME. he seems to avoid me whenever he could. i dont know why either. maybe i hurt him too much. maybe he didnt lyk the way i treated him last time. he got along well with my friends. got along well with his other ex girlfriend. he just dont lyk me. he just hates me! but then why did he kiss me when he was already attached in the first place? & ignore me after that. acting like as if we didnt meet that night. no one knows abt this. i kept it so long. how much i wanted to tell my friends abt it, to let them know how i feel. i was confused and really sad over it lahs. but i had to keep it shut! or i will make him sound lyk some jerks. why am i doing that. what good do i gain. that kiss was fake. that night was a dream. everything was a pretend. isnt it? i deserve it? perhaps. i think i had a problem. if only i knew what's wrong with me. he'd somehow blacklisted me. don even wanna contact me or meet up with me anymore. i'd tried and tried and failed.. most probably my friends're laughing behind my back for whatever reasons.

everyone hates me. maybe. maybe not. no one seems to bother. i guess. im really tired. im dying....
hmmmm it's so not me to type all this here. but i just had to. thanks for reading. and im sure it will be erased from your memory soon ..... but never from mine.
im okay. i will be all right. good night.

2:58am
❤papayaQueen

tiring day!!

2007-08-30T17:46:00.000+08:00

hmmm today's a tiring day for me. although i slept for 8 hours, i still feel tired. hmmm suppose to go for pe. took attendance and went to east point with the guys instead. had lunch and returned to math class. revision today. that's abt it. so im home early!

hmm wanna thank nelson so much! the project's perfect. he made the whole thingy work! amazing uh? a lot of people helped us too.. lyk ruf, casper, ruhuan, adam... many more. thanks loads. & today i met Mark. he's not friendly at all! eh, but he's good looking.. his eyes are really cute can! hahs.

and yah, the new colleague's name is zee. woooo.. still as funny. she said'll protect me from spider. LOL thanks ar.

❤papayaQueen

pictures pictures!

2007-08-30T16:56:00.001+08:00

Random Pictures

❤ star!

❤ friday outing.. plaza sing
(nana, ahrene, biao biao, lala)

❤ cinema(lala smile while napping)

❤ adam took the rest of the pictures. hahs (:

'

❤papayaQueen

woooo back to blog

2007-08-27T23:43:00.004+08:00

hmm whole of last week was really busy lah! so many tests! i dislyk test! yucks. hmmm one of the days went studying with adam zal and marcus at downtown east.. hmmm didnt get to study anything either. wth.. at night hq came over to teach me!! so nice of him right. & he actually knew what's going on more than i do. hahs thanks hq! and the next day "satash" dono how to spell his name, but he actually let us do open book test for CMaths! wth. he's crazy. in the end he didnt allow of course.

Friday 24 Aug
hmmm was late for school. nelson was really nice can!! he's lyk the only one doing the project. sorry dude. you did most of the job. & thanks for giving me the chance to design. LOL owe you a treat.
after school went out with the girls! finally had a chance to catch up with them. took some pictures. waiting for serene to send. we watched Dead Silence. wasnt that scary afterall lahs. but lala was screaming outta da hell. she's crazy lahs. hahs when the show filming that part when the white cloth's pulled off, she almost hit my eyes! hahs but heng she aimed nicely. if NOT!! ... hahs! luckily never bleed ar! hahs. no lahs not so serious. im strong! that also explains why nana was afraid to sit beside her! i learnt my lesson! LOL just kidding lahs babe. don angry ok? muacks. after movie, home we went. met marcus while on the way home. had dinner with him. chit-chat a bit then go home liao.

♥lala & me in cinema

♥ blurred - me & nana in cinema

Saturday 25 Aug
working day!! sians lahs! hmmm gotta know my colleague becos not enough lockers! carrefour is so stingy. so little lockers want so many promoters for what. wth. always also no locker! damn it. gotta know that new colleague well after we exchange phone numbers. it's a her! don worry. hahs we texted a lot & my mummy's gonna nag at me real sooon when the bills come. hais. she's really nice lahs. hahs have fun chatting with her too.

Sunday 26 Aug
hmmm woke up in the afternoon! then went out to catch a movie! guess what show! ... ok lahs. it's Ratatouille!! nice show.. and i told new colleague that i watching that, she asked me to cook the food that rat did in the show. WTH.. so funny. and the whole of sunday i was smsing her. hahs someone finds it distracting? but she didnt want me to stop msging her! what to do!
oh btw, i name her "new colleague" bcos i dono her real name. she told me people call her AH BOY, but i don want to! i want to be special! sooo... will ask for her name soon! yep!

Monday 27 Aug
today cant wake up! wth. then woke marcus called and woke me up. i prepared fast and rushed for school. although nelson ask me not to go becos it's almost 11am and i supposingly finish school at 12pm. but i feel really bad. so yah! i took cabby to school and sat down do some design and went for lunch with marcus and zal!! then marcus had to company zal becos he didnt wanna go home! i nap and watch some television programmes. yep.. what a day! night everyone!

♥papayaQueen

past few days..

2007-08-20T20:24:00.000+08:00

thursday 16 August
i realize i couldnt depend on the guys anymore. they speaked in their language, laughing away & refused to tell me what's the meaning to certain words that came across. cant relay on marcus also. he didnt entertain me either. (lala and nana SEE!! HE NEVER TAKKAIRE OF ME SIAL!!) feeling left out, i kept thinking of what to say and i realize there was nothing! so i kept quiet lo. & adam was rude unusually today. he somehow showed me attitude and said " GO LO! " which blew me off. normally he would keep me awake when im sleepy, keep me company when im bored. but that day he really made me cry hard. really upset and pissed off lahs! before today, i knew i am not gonna be okay. but i thought by controlling my tears, or by telling myself it'll be okay, i will be. it fired back. i actually felt worse today with no support from adam. i then left.rushed to the toilet immediately & let it ALL out. but still i don feel good. and i called nana and lala. they were having VB assignment. so called hq. he rushed down to fetch me home. i felt so much better when i got up the cab. thanks for being there!! for so long i didnt have that kinda so-lost-so-lonely feeling already. & so long i didnt get to cry in school when i used to do so when i had my gfs with me. hahs. does that mean im stronger than before? hahs and so i missed math and customer service classes. my effort of waking up early was being wasted! i really dono. sorry if you find it bored having to read this. i jus wana remember today well. i don wana make the same mistake again because people do care for me, i have gotta change for the better man. thanks guys. love you all.

friday 17 august
i missed lessons today. hahs. im so gonna be on the debar list. wish me luck. gonna get fu*k upside down by martin(class advisor) soon. im scared to talk to him, rather uncomfortable, and i really dislike him. he's so not friendly and fierce can. he asked me and my friends to shut up when we were talking during lecture last year. shut up as in keep quiet lah. he's rather particular about whether we're listening to him speak during lessons or doing some other stuff instead. i didnt see any good points in him yet. still trying hard lahs. he's just too strict. unlike mr chu. i miss him! so much. but no choice. he's more to networking stuff. didnt attend school so catch a movie with hq. Skinwalkers... actually going for firework, but no mood to go. so yeah.. aiya that show was crap, about wolfs. waste money sial. because no other movies to watch. hahs yep that's about it. oh yah, saw alaric outside the entrance of shaw century sq. hmmm he told me he working there. he gave the shocking expression again. hahs. really cute.

saturday 18 august
wanted to catch firework, but again didnt have the mood to go. watched Secret. second time yeah. hq actually understand the last part of show which i didnt. and finally i knew what's the ending about! hahs. unlike marcus. eh servant! you watched already not? jealous not?! LOLs wanted to catch the movie 881, full house. so yep. saw alaric again. this time at the ticketing counter. after movie hq keep waving his hands. hahs ma chiam at concert. =x hmmm, nothing much already.

♥hq.. nice back! hahs

sunday 19 august
woke up at 5 pm.. prepared and went for chalet. the time was passing really fast i can say. maybe because i woke up late. hahs it was jackie's birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE!
they smashed the cake everyway on jackie and hq also kena. then he came back to the pit with cuts. he fell. hahs wth.. he was one of the few who pushed his head onto the cake and after that he did run. jackie chased. half way, he washed his hands! how stupid can he get? so he was caught by jackie, try to escape and they both fell. jackie on top of him! hahs i scolded hell outta him man. he's clumsy lah! VERY! climb stairs also will slip. funny sial. then after that washed up for him lo. and helped to clean up the mess. and home we went! he came to sit sit and went home. when's time to sleep, it's already 3 am plus. i couldnt sleep. so i type these few days entries and im going to prepare for school soon! suppose to wake up at 5'3o am. so yah. my dark circles getting bad to worse!! im so gonna look twice older and ugly when i grow old. hais. how?

♥he made a snow man using that.... *shrugs* i dono what's that called
it's damn cute lahs!

♥papayaQueen

i finally release myself

2007-08-16T23:48:00.001+08:00

im feeling really down lahs. i miss the days of PIo6o4J, especially the girls! suddenly have this feeling that my world's left with nothing. NOTHING! lyk so extra on this earth sial. might as well end my life. hahs. but i wont lahs (:

but im okay already. i have already cried out loud. i'll have to bear with it a few months more! hope i can tah han. and thanks to zal marcus lala ahrene and hq. really glad you guys were there for me! ♥

♥ Muesli Breakfast Bar

and hq was beside me comforting me. hahs he's really funny somehow. lyk small kid (:

thanks again people!

♥papayaQueen

happy national day!

2007-08-14T00:28:00.002+08:00

i am feeling really down. im like a bird in its cage. i dont know how to describe that kind of pain. i hold back my tears and trying hard to move on.

anyway. this is my second time creating a blog. first was xanga.com. hahs that was few years back already.

hmmm let's talk about thursday, 9 August.
HAPPY NATIONAL DAY!
hongquan and i were out to town! meeting his friends so we headed down to The Cathey near Douby Ghaut, met them for like a few seconds & they went for their movie. we had Billy Bombers that evening! but the fish&chip turned out not the one served @ Century Sq. still must eat! but not too bad lahs. hongquan ordered betty's roast chicken. & not forgetting coffee malt! it's damn nice lahs! go tr
y it man! he said it was National Day so we could have something delicious. LOL! lame. and after dinner we had to rush down to marina sq to catch the firework!! upon arriving & seeing many shops with lil customers cos everyone's outside, i decided to do a lil shopping. while choosing clothes in Zara, we heard cracking sound of fireworks! yea, we missed it. all thanks to me. the purpose of going there was to see da fireworks and .............. yah. later, saw jasreel with her darling @ marina sq. it'd been awhile since i last saw her. after which we took bus 36 to parkway to meet hq's friends. then to bedok 85 for supper! what a day!

♥ole fish&chips

♥hongquan & coffee malt

♥corn soup (very nice!)

♥coffee malt

friday, 10 August. i didnt manage to get up for school cos i was exhausted. & marcus was nice enough not to reprimand me. (: watched rush hour3. stupid things happened in the cinema, it just blackout for like 10 to 15 mins lahs. feeling so weird. first time in my life. had macoroni cheese too.

saturday, 11 August. had to work! at suntec carrefour. pretty relaxing compare to Courts. hmm that's about it.

sunday, 12 August. went for barbecue @ ECP. nana's 21st birthday!
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY NANA!
blew bubbles that serene brought. hahs. dirty my shirt some more! & sorry nana for not buying you anything. will get you something soon. buying for serene too cos she bought me a pressie last year :D she's really nice. she always took great care of me! help me here and there. i really appreciate it.
& it was jialing's birthday as well.
HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY JiaLing!
didnt manage to attend her birthday party. was raining heavily after nana's bbq. so yea. hongquan said there were donuts for me from Donut Factory. jialing took a picture with "them". hahs so cute lahs.

♥ jialing & donuts

random photos

♥hq & his white teeth!! hahs

♥@ burger king

♥papayaQueen